Are You My Mother?
by E-san
Summary: Sephiroth discovers Jenova's not his mother, and goes on a quest to find out the truth! *signalls :MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE: music to play* Rated PG-13 for language.
1. The annoucement

Disclaimer: Money for the poor? Don't sue the poor?  
~*~*~  
Hojo: *for once not hard at work, but instead pacing back and forth about his lab, apparently lost in thought*  
Sephiroth: *opens the door and comes inside, a firm scowl set on his face as he proceeds to glare at Hojo* What?  
Hojo: *still lost in thought* You will address me in a civil tone. Now sit down, son.  
Sephiroth: *scowl deepens and doesn't sit down* Don't call me that. It makes me nauseous.   
Hojo: All the better I'm a doctor, isn't it?  
Sephiroth: *shudders* And I have no wish to learn what you did to get a license. What did you call me here for? I was in the middle of something very important.  
Hojo: Playing with your rubber ducky in the bath-tub is hardly top priority. *sits down across from Sephiroth* . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
Sephiroth: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
Hojo: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
Sephiroth: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *screams* WHAT IS IT, ALREADY?!  
Hojo: I'm getting married to your mother.  
Sephiroth: *dead faint*  
Hojo: . . . . . . . . . . . . . I knew he wouldn't take this well.  
Jenova: *knocks on the open door, peering in* What's wrong? *blinks at Sephiroth's prone body*  
Hojo: I told him I was marrying his mother.  
Jenova: *gasps* You're WHAT?!  
Sephiroth: *sits straight up* What?! You mean you're not my mother, mother?!  
Hojo: *blinks* Who? Jeny? Of course not!   
Jenova: *chuckles* What a strange idea. Oh no. I'm not you're mother! Your father just stole some of my DNA and injected your unborn fetus with it. But no, I'm not your mother.   
Sephiroth: You mean, I *killed* the love of my life for you, thinking I had finally found someone I could TRUST, and you were LYING the whole time?!?!?!?  
Jenova: *blinks surprised, turning to Hojo* Our little boy has been in love?  
Hojo: *mutters darkly under his breath*  
Sephiroth: I'm not your little boy! And don't say that! *runs out*  
Jenova: *gasps* Oh! *turns to Hojo* You should have told him sooner!  
Hojo: *blinks* What? And risk losing a highly valuable test subject, with whose data I shall rule the world?! NO WAY! MWAHAHAHAHAHA-*gets knocked unconscious by a tentacle*  
~*~*~  
Sephiroth: *sitting in the abandoned Mako Reactor in Mt. Nibel, head in his arms, sobbing*  
*Tifa and Cloud walk up and gasp when they see him*  
Cloud: Hey! Isn't he supposed to be DEAD?!?!  
Tifa: SHUT UP! *kicks him* Can't you see he's sad?! Jerk! *walks up to Sephiroth*  
Cloud: *cries* . . . . She HIT me . . . . .  
Sephiroth: *wipes eyes quickly and growls at Tifa* What do you want? *Smacks Cloud* Shut up, wussy. You didn't cry when *Elena* decked your ass.  
Cloud: *points at Tifa, sniffling* She's suppose to LOVE ME! *Whiny voice*  
Tifa: *roles eyes* I'm entitled to mistakes, just like everyone else . . . .  
Sephiroth: *mutters darkly* Not everyone is . . . .  
Tifa: *pats him on the back* There, there. Now, what's wrong? Tell Tifa all about it.  
Cloud: *cries* SHE LIKES YOU BETTER NOW!!!!  
Sephiroth: *lays head on Tifa's shoulder* I'm . . . . just a puppet. Not quite so bad as him, but . . . . . Mother betrayed me. She isn't even my mother!  
Tifa: *gasps* Oh! Poor baby! Why would she lie to you?!  
Cloud: *still sobbing* I'M NOT LOVED !  
Sephiroth: *sniffles* I don't know . . . . . . Hojo probably made her . . . .  
Tifa: *sighs* He does seem the pushy type to use a person. One moment. *turns and glares at Cloud, looking scarier than Meteor* SHUT YOUR WHINY LITTLE ASS KISSING MOUTH UP THIS INSTANT OR I HIT YOU SO HARD IT WON'T MATTER IF I'M BI OR NOT, BECAUSE YOU'LL BE NIETHER!!!  
Sephiroth: *snickers*  
Cloud: *blinks in shock, then points at Sephiroth, glaring* I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! *runs off, crying harder than ever*  
Sephiroth: Suuurrreee.  
Tifa: . . . .whiny little . . . *turns back, looking nice again* So, what are you going to do now . . . ?  
Sephiroth: Find my real mother, I guess. *looks up at her* Will you help me?  
Tifa: Of course, sweetie! Now, where do you want to start looking?  
Sephiroth: *thinks* Well, let's look here in Nibelheim first. After all, the whole project took place in that mansion.  
Tifa: Right! *strikes a pose* Off to the SHINRA MANSION! *starts jogging down, but trips and skids halfway down the mountain*  
Sephiroth: *flies down mountain, stops, picks her up, flies down to land in front yard of mansion*  
Tifa: . . . . . I meant to do that . . . really . . . . *jumps out of his arms and stalks straight to the door*  
Sephiroth: *rolls eyes and follows*  
Tifa: *flinging the door open* So! Where in the house do you want to look first for clues?  
Sephiroth: *darkly* The basement.  
Tifa: . . . . . . . . . . . . *sweatdrop* Of course. *Heads downstairs.*  
Sephiroth: *follows, swiping at bats with his Masamune*  
Tifa: *stops in mid-step, frozen as she sees the shadowy figure at the bottom of the step* Y-you! *lunges, tackling the person* Sephiroth! I'VE FOUND YOUR MOTHER!!!  
Sephiroth: . . . . . . . . . . . . . That's Vincent.  
Tifa: . . . . . . . . . . . I'm entitled to make mistakes.  
Vincent: *picks himself up off the floor and dusts himself off* Might I inquire as to your prescence here?  
Sephiroth: *cheerily* We're looking for my mother!  
Tifa: *strikes pose* We're not stopping to we find her!  
Vincent: *blinks* What about Jenova and Lucrecia?  
Tifa: *snaps fingers* Hey! He never knew about Lucrecia! Vincent! You have to help us find Lucrecia! She might be Sephy's mommy!  
Vincent: Of course. She still resides at the waterfall. Follow me. *heads off, followed eagerly by Sephiroth*  
Sephiroth: *sings* We're off to see my mommy, who lives at the waterfall. *to the tune of "We're off to see the Wizard"*  
Tifa: . . . . now THAT is creepy . . . . . *follows*  
Cloud: *watches from his perch, high above* MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I SHALL have my REVENGE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*chokes on chocobo-hairball*  
~*~*~ 


	2. In the cave

Vincent:  *pauses as he spots a gold chocobo standing tied by the waterfall*  Hmm.  I wonder who else is here?

Tifa: *frowns* That's a good question. Couldn't that just be Lucrecis's, though?

Vincent:  We are not that lucky.

Tifa: . . . . . . . . . right . . . . . And would you PLEASE stop singing that song, Sephiroth!

Sephiroth:  *stops singing and pouts*  What's wrong?  I thought up more words!

Tifa: . . . . . It's just wrong, okay? Next time summon Meteor or something, okay?

Sephiroth:  Okay!  *pulls out Black Materia*

Tifa: . . . . . . . Please stop him, Vincent.

Vincent:  Sephiroth, if you summon Meteor your I will never take you out for ice cream again.

Sephiroth:  *saucer eyes*  . . . . No more double chocolate fudge ripple . . . . . . ?

Vincent:  *nods gravely*

Sephiroth:  *gasps and puts materia away*

Tifa: *smacks her forehead*  Oh my god . . . . 

Sephiroth:  I tried to be a god!  *frowns*  It didn't work.

Aeris: *steps out of the cave and blinks at them before smiling serenely* Hello! You're just in time to have tea with us!

Tifa: *leaps back and screams* B-b-b-but you're DEAD!!!

Sephiroth:  *whips out Masamune and lunges at Aeris, only to have Vincent pull him back by his hair*

Aeris: *frowns at this* So is Sephiroth if you want to go into all the picky details.

Vincent:  *pulls him back*  Now, now, be good Sephiroth.  *eyes narrow*  Or no more ice cream!

Tifa: *slaps forehead* Enough with the ice cream!

Aeris: *smiles* Come inside for tea! *goes back in the cave*

Sephiroth:  *whimpers*  Okay Vincent.  *puts sword away and sits down, examining hair*  My beautiful hair . . . . . *sniffles*  . . . . You pulled my hair!

Tifa: *slaps her forehead again and goes inside after Aeris*

Lucrecia: *sitting on the cave floor at a pink, flowery tea table that looks like it was made by Fisher Price* Oh! More people for the party! How splendid! *pours more tea*

Sephiroth: . . . . . . . Mother?

Aeris: Sit down! Sit down! *sits down, grabbing a cup of tea and a cookie*

Sephiroth:  *sits obediently*

Vincent:  *does the same*

Tifa: *sniffs 'tea'* . . . . . . Is this Cool Aid?

Sephiroth:  *drinks it*  Cherry!  My favorite!

Lucrecia: *scowls* No, it's tea. *smiles at Sephiroth* Oh, hello sweet heart! How have you been? I assume Hojo has taken very good care of you!

Sephiroth:  *shakes head*  He's an evil bastard.

Lucrecia: Well, he always has been. Has he kept up with his research these days?

Sephiroth:  *shrugs*

Lucrecia: Oh dear. It seems I may have to get him back on track and come back t the company.

Sephiroth: . . . . . . . Aren't you marrying him?

Lucrecia: *blinks* Oh, goodness no! Why would I do a thing like that? 

Tifa: *blinks up from her cookie* Aren't you his mother?!

Sephiroth:  He said he was marrying my mother.

Lucrecia: *blinks* . . . . . . Oh my goodness. *turns to Vincent* And you told him I was his mother?!

Vincent:  It seemed logical to look here first, seeing as you are the only lead we possess, dear sister.

Tifa: *saucer eyes* WaitwaitwaiwaitWAIT JUST A MINUTE!!! Weren't you IN LOVE with Lucrecia?!

Vincent:  Of course I loved her.  But we were not in love, no were we lovers.

Tifa: And to think I felt SORRY for you!

Aeris: *frowns* But, if Lucy isn't Sephiroth's mother . . . . . who is?

Vincent:  I do not know.  Dear sister, do you have any ideas?

????: *evils, maniacal cackle echoes through the cave* THAT! You shall NEVER find out!

Sephiroth:  *jumps and whirls around, Masamune in hand*

Cloud: *standing on some high ledge in the cave, hand over his mouth, laughing horribly so the walls are shaking* I have rigged the cave with explosives! It will explode in 5 seconds and YOU will be no more!

Aeris: *gapes* Cloud?! What are you doing?!

Tifa: IDIOT!!!!

Sephiroth: . . . . . Most of us are already dead.

Cloud: *laughs manically then stops when he realizes the truth in Sephiroths words* . . . . . Oh.

*Cave explodes from some high point on the ceiling, only for ever boulder to fall on top of Cloud, crushing him into a icky red smudge*

Sephiroth: . . . . Dumbass.

Lucrecia: *screams* I JUST HAD THE WALLS PAINTED!!!

Vincent:  I shall help you repaint if you like.

Lucrecia: *sighs* Alright, and while we do that, they can continue to search for clues to his mothers identity.

Vincent:  *nods*

Tifa: But where?! We have no CLUE as to who it could be!

Lucrecia: *frowns* . . . . . . . . . . . . I believe he once had an affair with Scarlet on the 60th floor.

Sephiroth:  *screams*  NOOOOOO!!!  No No no no no NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tifa: *grabs Sephiroth and drags him off* Come on! We have to explore ALL possibilities!

Sephiroth:  *to Lucrecia*  If she's my mother, will you adopt me?  PLEEEEEASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEE?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jenova: *sobbing endlessly over a photo album of Sephiroth's baby pictures, hitting Hojo over the head* HOW! COULD! YOU!!!!

Hojo:  It was for the sake of science!

Jenova: *slaps him with a tentacle* THIS is what I think of your SCIENCE! *starts to wreck the highly expensive laboratory with a frying pan*

Hojo:  *screams*  NOOOOO!  My scrambled eggs!!

Jenova: *knocks him unconscious with the frying pan before dropping it and storming off down the hall* I shall make this up to my son . . . . . I PROMISE!!!


	3. Anything but that!

Tifa: *scrunches up her nose as she smells the Midgar slums noxious fumes* Why am I somehow not surprised that our search for Scarlet has led us here . . . . ?  
Sephiroth: *mutters* Because she's a two-gil whore . . .  
Vincent: *smacks him* Do not talk about the who-*stops himself*- woman who could be your mother like that.  
Tifa: *looks around* Now, if I were a scanky, slutty bitch in red, where would I be in Midgar slums . . . . . ?  
Vincent: I know not. . . . . . . . *thinks, then hands Tifa his red cape* Put this on, and maybe you shall know . . . . .  
Tifa: *turns beet red* Why you sonuva-  
????: *sneers* Well, well, well . . . . what do we have here, Rude?  
Rude: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
Tifa: *shrieks and spins, slapping Reno, who dared to pinch her rear*  
Rude: . . . . . . . . . . . *smirks, that was him*  
Reno: *blinks and mutters* What'd I ever do to deserve that . . . ?   
Rude: . . . . . . . . . . . . . *still smirking*  
Reno: *notices the others and screams, jumping up on Rude's shoulders* Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-YOU!!!!!  
Rude: . . . . . . . . . . . . . *shoves Reno off*  
Reno: *clings to Rude, refusing to get off* Wha-what are YOU doing HERE?!?!?!  
Sephiroth: . . . . . Looking for my mother. *glares* If you have a problem, I could always feed you to the Midgar serpent.  
Reno: . . . . . Not YOU! HIM!!! *points a shaky, accusing finger at Vincent*  
Vincent: *blinks* I am helping Sephiroth.  
Reno: . . . . . . . so you're not here to haunt the soul of every living Turk for the rest of his living days . . . . . . . . ?  
Vincent: *ponders* If you wish me to, I am sure that could be arranged.  
Reno: . . . . . . . . . . . No.  
Vincent: Hm.  
Reno: *shudders, climbing off Rude's shoulders* .. . . . . . like the fucking ghost of Shinra past . . . . . . . . . . *looks at Sephiroth* So, you're looking for your mother . . . . . . . .?  
Sephiroth: That's what I said, isn't it?!  
Reno: . . . . . . so why the fuck are you in Midgar?!  
Sephiroth: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *in a small voice* Scarlet.  
Reno: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *falls over laughing*  
Sephiroth: *twitchtwitchtwitch* IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!  
Reno: *stops, stands up, his face perfectly serious, brushing the dirt off his jacket* Of course not. *Looks at all of them* . . . . . So you're wondering now where she is in Midgar?  
Vincent: Well, if Tifa would *help* . . . . . .  
Tifa: *punches him in the shoulder* NO.  
Reno: . . . . . I know where she is . . . . .   
Vincent: *mutters darkly under his breath*  
Sephiroth: Not that I'm enthused, but where?  
Reno: *smirks* Where else? The Honeybee.  
Vincent: *blinks* . . . . Oh my . . . . .  
Reno: *flicks his bangs back* That information didn't come for free, you know . . . . . I require something for my kindness.  
Sephiroth: Right . . . . . I'll tell Scarlet to pay you . . . *starts off for the Honeybee Inn*  
Reno: Nope. Sorry. One date with wonder tits here for my buddy Rude. Nothing less.  
Rude: *blinks* . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
Tifa: *blinks* But I'm engaged to Cloud . . . . . .   
Vincent: *muffles his laughter in his cape and follows Sephiroth*  
~*~*~  
Scarlet: *examining her newly manicured nails critically* Hm . . . . . Next time, lets just go with three coats or less, alright? At least with this brand.  
Servant Girl: *nods and makes a note* May I get you anything else, Miss Scarlet?  
Scarlet: Palmers ass 100 times smaller?  
Servant Girl: . . . . . . . . . . . I shall look into it. *dashes from the room quickly, bumping into a few . . . . . . odd looking people on her way down the hall*  
Sephiroth: Where is she? *flatly asks, a dangerous glint in his eyes*  
Servant Girl: *'eeps' and backs away nervously*  
Vincent: *comes up behind Sephiroth and sighs* Use your manors or we'll never get anything done.   
Sephiroth: *pouts, looking at Vincent* I don't wanna . . . . I'm in a hurry!  
Vincent: There is always time for the magic word.  
Servant Girl: . . . . . . . . . . Are you looking for Miss Scarlet?  
Sephiroth: *smiles tightly* Yes . . . . Where is she? OW! *rubs his side where Vincent prodded him, muttering darkly* . . . . . . Please?  
Servant Girl: . . . . . . . . . Are you going to kill her? *seriously*  
Vincent: You need not worry. We will bring no harm to the lady."  
Servant Girl: Then why the hell should I help you?! You go in that room and don't come out till she's good and dead, you hear?! *storms off*  
Vincent: . . . . . . . It seems Scarlet is not well liked.  
Sephiroth: *thinking 'please don't be my mother, please don't be my mother, please don't be my mother . . . . . !'*  
Scarlet: *yells out* Bring me one of those pina colada things with the mini umbrellas, and snap on it!  
Vincent: *blinks, then starts humming the pina colada song*  
Sephiroth: *pauses* . . . . . . . . . . Don't do that. Stop. Now. We've already got enough problems at the moment so we don't need to get the authors sued.  
Tifa: *blinks, comming up behind them* What authors?  
Sephiroth: . . . . . Nevemind.  
Vincent: But I can give credit! . . . . . If only I could remember who did that song . . . . *scratches head*  
Tifa: . . . . I'm not even going to pretend to understand you guys. Ok! Who's going in there first . . . . . !  
Sephiroth: *shoves her forward* You.  
Tifa: What?! Nonononono. *shoves Sephiroth forward* She's YOUR mother! Why should 'I' have to face her!  
Vincent: Because you can relate.  
Tifa: . . . . . . . . . . . YOU GO IN VINCENT!  
Vincent: Absolutely not. *points death penalty at her chest* In. Now. Or you shall have to redo that surgery . . . . .  
Tifa: . . . . . . . . . I don't have to be here. I shouldn't have to go in.  
Sephiroth: *standing behind her* I don't have to be here. I shouldn't have to go in. *in a high-pitched, whiny, mocking voice*  
Don Corneo: *walks up behind Seph* Oh ho ho! And why would she NOT want to enter one of the finest bedrooms in my facilaty! If it would help, I could show you all the benefits of such bed . . . . . . . . . rooms. *smiles perversly*  
Sephiroth: *whirls around, Masamune at the ready*  
Vincent: *re-aims death penalty at the Don*  
Don Corneo: *smile broadens at the site of the Masamune* My, what a big sword you've got there!  
Sephiroth: *backs into Tifa, grabs her and thrusts her between the two of them* Take her! I'm still a virgin!  
Don Corneo: Virgins are the best, but I'll get to you later! *starts groping Tifa*   
Tifa: *screaches* RUDE! HELP ME!  
Rude: *runs up* . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *shoots Don Corneo in the balls*  
Tifa: Rude! My hero! *kisses deeply*  
Reno: *behind Rude, makes gagging noises*  
Rude: *full body blush*  
Don Corneo: *cries* Now I only get to be the uke!  
Scarlet: *screams, comming out of the room in a robe and face mask* Where the HELL is my Pina Colada?!  
Sephiroth: *screams in horror and jumps into Vincent's arms*  
Vincent: . . . . Sephiroth . . . . I can't shoot her while holding you . . . .  
Scarlet: *turns glare to Vincent then blinks* Sephy? Is that you?  
Sephiroth: *whimpers* Um . . . . . . . yes?  
Scarlet: *squeels* Oh! It IS you! I haven't seen you in years! How are you doing? Still have the whole leather fetish, I see.  
Sephiroth: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ummm . . . yeah . . . . . . *sweatdrop*  
Scarlet: *smiles demmuringly* Well, if you ever feel like trying something new, I have this sweet little lace get up I think would make the men boil . . . . . . .   
Sephiroth: . . . . . . *thinks 'She can't be my mother! . . . . . . I hope . . . .'*  
Scarlet: So what did you come here for? *turns down the hall* WHERE IS MY PINA COLADA, DON?!   
Don Corneo: *whimpers and crawls down the hall, holding what's left of his manhood* Comming right up . . . . .   
Sephiroth: Umm . . . . well . . . . *blurts out* Are you my mother?  
Scarlet: Who knows. Who's your father. I'll tell you if I've slept with him or not.  
Sephiroth: . . . . . . . Hojo.  
Scarlet: . . . . . . . . . . . . *laughs ass off* No! No no no! I can honestly say I have NEVER slept with the man!  
Sephiroth: Well, there was that one rumor . . . . . .  
Scarlet: About something on the 60th floor?  
Sephiroth: . . . . . . Yes?  
Scarlet: Well, THAT was just stupid. He was interested in this one person, but he had no clue what to do! Your father was a total virgin! *laughs in high pitched voice* He needed instructions on how SEX worked!  
Sephiroth: Who was it? Tell me!  
Sephiroth: YES!!  
Scarlet: . . . . . . alright . . . . . . *leans over and whispers in Seph's ear*  
Sephiroth: *ear-splitting shriek* WHAT?!?!?!?!  
Tifa: *startled out of her deep make out session with Rude* What?  
Sephiroth: B-Bu-Bughen . . . *faints*  
Tifa: *pales and looks at Scarlet for confermation*  
Scarlet: *smirks and nods* Bughenhagen.  
~*~*~  
Jenova: *digging through Hojo's files, ignoring his still prone body on the floor just inches away from her tenacled blody* My son . . . . wait for me . . . ! I will come for you soon with the truth . . . . . !  
~*~*~  
E-san: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *faints*  
Raine: *drops frying pan in shock* Well . . . um . . . . . it appears Nanaki has an uncle . . . . . . .   
E-san: *mumbles* We'll continue . . . as soon as I recover from this masive hemmorrage.  
Raine: . . . . . . Right . . . . . *hasn't even noticed she's dropped her frying pan on her foot* 


End file.
